Hillbilly Castaways
by G.L. Peabody
Summary: Jed and Elly May Clampett, Jethro Bodine, Daisy "Granny" Moses, Milburn Drysdale, and Jane Hathaway went on a three hour fishin' trip from Oahu and ended up on Gilligan's Island. I snuck in another crossover  hint, read between the lines. complete.
1. A Three Hour Charter

Chapter I: A Three Hour Charter

Jed Clampett was surf fishing on Waikiki Beach. Jed and the whole Clampett clan were in Hawaii along with Mr. Drysdale and Miss Jane looking into investing in building something called a time share condominium building. It was of course Mr. Drysdale's idea. Jed could not reckon with the concept that somebody would actually buy a house, and it really wasn't a house—just a few rooms in the building he would own, to only live there a few months a year. On top of that, the feller in charge of the project suggested offering free boat rides and sightseeing trips for people to go to a meeting to listen to why they should buy one of these "time-shares." But Jed left most of the business dealings to Drysdale, as crazy as they might seem.

Suddenly a large man in a flowered shirt called to Jed, "Haole, you can't fish here! This is a surfing beach!"

Misunderstanding the Hawaiian, Jed replied "Howdy to you, too. And you're right all these people must be scaring the fish away. Do you know of a good fishing hole?"

The man in the flowered shirt pointed to the ocean and retorted, "Yeah, out there."

Jed pondered the man's answer and responded with, "Well then it looks like I need a fishin' boat. Usually I don't carry much walking around money—but since we are on vacation and all, Miss Jane suggested I do carry these travelin' checks…"

The demeanor of the Hawaiian changed instantly when he saw the notes. He didn't even know that American Express made Traveler's Cheques with so many zeroes on them. The Hawaiian then offered, "Why, sir, I would be happy to help you secure a craft for your fishing needs."

"Well Doggies!" Exclaimed Jed, "that is right neighborly of you, friend!"

Soon Jed was at a Marina in Pearl Harbor. He was happy, as he was soon to be goin' fishin'. Clampett secured a three hour lease on a 1964 Wheeler cabin cruiser. The 40' craft was coming into the slip, and it was a beauty. Jed went over to a nearby pay phone to call the condo with the good news.

"Commerce Bank Vacations, Jane Hathaway speaking," proclaimed the crisp voice on the other end of the phone.

Jed explained, "Miss Jane, its Jed Clampett. I'm at Pearl's Harbor and got a fishin' boat for all of us to go out in."

The words 'fishin' boat' and 'Pearl Harbor' alarmed Hathaway. It wasn't long ago that the Clampetts had to pay the U.S. Navy a pretty penny for the use of a destroyer for the day. Not to mention the enormous legal fees necessary to assure a federal court of inquiry that it was all a misunderstanding and that J.D. Clampett did not intend to impersonate a Vice Admiral...

Hathaway cautiously asked, "How large is this boat, what color is it, and more importantly… how did you come across it?"

Clampett replied, "Its forty feet long, white, and I rented it until dark. Tell everybody to hurry up, I figure we only have a little more than three hours till she has to be brought back."

Hathaway replied, "Right away Mr. Clampett, I'll have everybody at the Marina within 15 minutes, along with all of your fishing gear in the truck!"

Both Drysdale and Hathaway were relieved to see it was an actual rental cabin cruiser, not a destroyer, and that Clampett was in his 'fishin' clothes' as opposed to his 'yachting outfit' from last year (a Navy Vice Admiral's uniform somehow secured from a local movie studio's costume department.).

Elly May and Jethro were arguing over who was going to be Captain.

Jethro explained, "You can't be captain because you're a girl!"

Elly May rebuked Jethro with a punch to the arm, retorting, "Yeah, what about Tugboat Annie?"

Jed put an end to the squawking by dividing the task where the two would take turns, which seemed to keep the peace.

Granny was complaining, "Aaaah, I don't want to go on the ocean. This isn't like sailing on the Mississippi. There are way too many Yankee ships blockading this harbor!"

Jed calmed her with, "Now Granny, we're just going fishin', which we have done in this same Pacific Ocean many times from the Long Beach back home."

Once everybody settled in, Jethro cast off the boat. They were out close to an hour, and Jed and Granny were catching some nice Sea Bass and Yellow Tail. Ellie May then came running back to the aft part of the boat.

"Uncle Jed, Granny, a storm is a comin'!" The young blonde cried.

Jed rushed up to the wheelhouse with Jethro. The tiny ship was tossed relentlessly by the storm. The boat washed ashore on a tropical island with a huge hole on its side.

Granny looked at the hole in the craft and started smacking Jethro, yelling, "You fool, look what you did! This is coming out of your allowance!"

Miss Jane placated the matriarch with, "Now, Granny, don't be too hard on the boy, it was an accident."

Just then, a young man about Elly May's age in a red shirt and an upside down cap came up on the beach out of nowhere. He looked at the beached cabin cruiser like he was seeing a ghost.

"Oh, no, not again," cried the young man in red, "Skipper! Professor! Come quick, it happened again!" And with that, the sailor in tennis shoes sprinted into the jungle.


	2. Clampetts Meet Castaways

Gilligan came running into the compound shouting, "Skipper, Professor, it happened again!"

Patiently, the Skipper asked, "Gilligan, what exactly 'happened again'?"

Gilligan answered, "The shipwreck, the _Minnow_, its back!"

The Professor reasoned, "Now, Gilligan, that is impossible. We all saw the wreck of the _Minnow_ fall apart on the beach."

Gilligan then said, "Well come and see for yourself."

The Skipper allowed, "Professor, we should go see what has gotten Gilligan so riled up before he upsets the others."

Upon that the Captain and Academic followed the young mate to the same beach the _Minnow_ washed ashore a few short years before. The two did a double take. Gilligan had led them on many adventures before, but this was a duesy. On almost the exact spot that the _Minnow _ran aground, there was a boat that could be its twin. Even more eerie, there was a hole in the boats hull in almost the same spot as the _Minnow's._

"See!" proclaimed Gilligan.

"Uncanny!" responded the professor.

The Skipper postulated, "The Wheeler was a popular boat in Honolulu, but to have another one wash up on the same shore..."

Gilligan then enticed the others with, "Lets go check it out!"

The Skipper ordered, "Gilligan, wait!"

The former naval officer spotted something he had seen many times during wartime- the unmistakable outline of a gun protuding from the deck. Fortunately the firearm was not aimed at them. The Captain followed the projected line of fire to see where their new visitors were taking aim. As near as the Skipper could tell, the gun was aimed towards the jungle. A shrub several yards out started to rustle.

"Pa, no!" Shouted this voice, and a young blond ran up on to the deck. At that point, the shot narrowly missed a boar that took off running into the jungle.

The Skipper thought: _If that young beauty hadn't distracted the shooter, that boar would have been bacon. The gunman on the boat is one heck of a shot... I hope he's friendly..._

Just then a tall man wearing frayed clothes holding a shotgun stood up. Seeing the three castaways, he immediately put the gun down.

The marksman then said, "Howdy, I'm Jed Clampett. This here's my daughter Elly May, who still needs to understand the difference between petting critters and eating critters." Soon Jed Clampett and daughter were joined by four others. Jed continued, "This is Granny, my nephew Jethro Bodine, Mr. Drysdale from the bank, and Miss Jane Hathaway."

The Skipper came forward and shook Clampetts hand, relieved, and gave his own introductions, "Hello, I'm Jonas Grumby, but most folks call me Skipper, this is Gilligan, and that's the Professor."

After handshakes and greetings all around, the Skipper led the group to camp. By the time he got there everybody was out and about, getting ready for breakfast.

Granny said, "if it wasn't for Elly, we'd be having bacon with our breakfast. But I doubt any of you city folk know how to skin a hog."

Skipper laughed, "Oh I think we have somebody who knows how to butcher a pig...Oh, Mary Ann!"

Mary Ann came forward, eyes wide on seeing new people, asked, "Skipper who are your friends!"

The Skipper introduced Mary Ann to the Clampett Clan.

Granny sized up Mary Ann and after hearing where she was from spit out, "Kansas, huh. Which side were you on in the War of Northern Agression?"

Jed scolded, "Granny, be nice."

But Mary Ann could hold her own, coming back with, "Ma'am, I'm no city girl. I was raised on a farm and have been keeping these good people fed on fish, foul, and pork for nearly five years now. I've also helped them grow and fix their own crops." Smiling she added, "But I'm always looking for more recipes... especially from the south."

Granny smiled and said, "See Jed, she's country folk. Just like us. I knew I liked her."

Jed just grunted, "Uh huh."

By the time Granny and Mary Ann resumed preparing breakfast, the Howells and Ginger came out to meet the newcomers.

Jethro exclaimed, "Hot Dog! Ginger Grant! I'm C.B. de Bodine, movie director, and I would really love to have you in a movie."

Ginger just said. "Call my agent," and went on with her morning routine. Visitors were something new, but directors are a dime a dozen.

Upon meeting the Howells, the cash registers in Drysdales eyes went off. "Mr. Howell," the Banker introduced, "I'm Milburn Drysdale, President of Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills..."

"How splended for you," Howell said drolly, "we'll chat after breakfast. Right now I have to listen to the morning business report."

"Of course," interjected Miss Hathaway.

The Professor apologized to the group saying, "I'm sorry if people seem a little lackluster. We have had our hopes raised by several visitors over the years, but we still seem to be stuck on this island."

Jed responded with, "You folks have been through a lot. I'm sure people will be a lot more friendly after tasting Granny's cooking."

Away from the others, Mrs. Howell said to her husband, "Really, Thurston, it is always nice to see new people... but this group seem so, well, common."

Thurston agreed, "I know what you mean Lovey. Even there names... what was it Strumpet?, Clumpett? I wonder what type of bank that Drysdale operates. Its probably the Commerce Bank of Beverly's Hill in Appalachia."

Overhearing the Howells, Ginger laughed, "And that Jethro character, trying that old movie director line on me..."

Mr. Howell interruped with "Hush, its time for the morning business report." He then flicked on the radio.

The announcer declared, "Once again, it would appear that history has repeated itself. Multimillionaire J.D. Clampett, along with his family, and Milburn Drysdale, President of Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills along with his assistant went missing at sea from a three-hour voyage out of Pearl Harbor. This brought back several memories of the USS _Minnow_ being declared missing almost five years ago. The U.S. Coast Guard, along with searching for the missing oil baron, has called for a recall of all 40 foot Wheeler boats..."

Howell turned white... "Clampett, J.D. Clampett..." he muttered.

Ginger whispered, "Beverly Hills..."

Lovey snapped them out of it with, "Breakfast should be ready soon."

The Howells and Ginger were totally changed people come breakfast time. Ginger was talking about movies with Jethro, trying to ignore Miss Hathaway's suspicious glares. Mrs. Howell mentioned to Elly that she knew of some fine finishing schools, even in (shutter) _California._ And Thurston was talking about shooting and horsemanship with Jed, and ignoring Drysdale's even more suspicious glares.

At the end of a delicous Southern/Midwestern breakfast, Jed smiled and proclaimed, "See, good cooking did bring everybody together. Thank you Granny."

Granny chimed in, "And thank Mary Ann."

Mr. Howell led the others in a chorus of "Thank you Granny and Mary Ann!"


	3. Bubbling Crude

After breakfast, it was time for morning chores. As usual, Gilligan would rather listen to pop music on the radio, much to the Skippers disapproval. Being a special day, though, the Captain relented and allowed his little buddy to tune the small portable transistor device to the younger man's favorite station.

The announcer's voice came on the radio: _This is Johnny Sunshine playing all the hits on KKRP, Honolulu. Today we have some special in-studio guests, Bluegrass legends Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs. Gentlemen, I will let you introduce your special guest."_

Gilligan cried, "Bluegrass! I wanted to hear the Mosquitoes."

Granny scolded, "AAAAH, Boy, you are as bad as Jethro! Lester and Earl are friends of ours!" But Granny did crack a smile when the Skipper hit his First Mate over the head with his cap before she could even reach him.

A southern accent took over the radio patter: _Thanks Johnny. Our friend Pat Boone came to Hawaii with us to entertain the search parties and raise funds to keep the watch out for our friends the Clampetts and their party._

Granny cooed, "Awwe ain't that nice, Jed, Lester and Earl decided to help out that boy that visited us last spring. I knew he would fly straight and right, once he found southern folk in Los Angeles."

Jed just replied, "Hush, Granny, and listen to the radio."

The unmistakable voice of Pat Boone took over: _A few months ago, I was looking at some mansions in Beverly Hills thinking what a big shot I had become, then I ran into this sweet old lady who was singing the 'Collard Greens Song.' That lady turned out to be Daisy Moses, JD Clampett's mother-in-law. Here I thought I was big time, Mr. Beverly Hills, and then I meet this kind family with many times the millions I made living with the same values grew up with._

Gilligan said, "Mansions?"

Mary Ann added, "Beverly Hills?"

The Professor thoughtfully mused, "Millions of dollars…."

The Skipper deduced, "Now I think I know why Mr. Howell all of the sudden became buddy-buddy with Clampett…"

Mr. Howell defensively retorted, "How dare you!"

Soon banjo and guitar music started playing on the radio. Pat Boone was crooning, "Let me tell you all a story about a man named Jed…"

Granny started dancing and pulled the Professor in to the hoe down. Having studied various dances from an anthropological standpoint, it didn't take the academic long to catch on to the two stepping jig. Elly May grabbed Gilligan, and much to Miss Jane and Ginger's dismay, Jethro grabbed Mary Ann—who was well versed at square dancing.

Being a humble man, Jed was embarrassed by the song and said he was "goin' hunting." Mr. Howell was at Jed's heels, much like Clampett's loyal hound. Being a good hunter, Jed first went to where the boar was that he missed. While in the jungle Howell smelled something. No it wasn't money, but it smelled like money. Thurston went up to a palm tree and took a closer look at what appeared to be sap. But his trained eye soon realized that this was not sap.

Howell thought, _Great Ceasar's Ghost! Did lightning strike twice? Could it be Clampett's rifle was some sort of divining rod. How did the song go? 'Then one day he was shooting at some food, up through the ground came a bubbling crude.'_

What Howell found was oil. Black gold. Texas Tea.


	4. The Luau

Jed Clampett was an expert hunter. The group that he arrived at the island with was not too surprised when he came back to camp well before noon with his game. The two multimillionaires came marching into camp with a boar tied to a bamboo pole, with Thurston Howell taking up the rear. Howell's skin was a light shade of his favorite color, money green.

Jethro spoke up, "All right, fresh bacon, fatback, and pig's feet!"

Granny admired, "He's a beaut, Jed. Too bad they don't have a smokehouse here!"

Mary Ann responded, "We can still smoke him." She then ordered, "Gilligan, go dig a pit. Skipper, put some rocks on the fire."

Understanding immediately what was going down, Gilligan grabbed the shovel and ran. Skipper went to start gathering wood to start a fire in the pit, and was greeted with a face full of sand when he got to the beach. He normally would be more upset, but Gilligan was almost half done with the barbeque pit. They would be ready for the boar as soon as Mary Ann and Granny were done with it.

Granny said to Mary Ann, "Nothing better than a good pit BBQ. OK child, let's get this hog skinned." She then asked Mrs. Howell, "I don't suppose you would help us?"

Lovey Howell sighed, "I think I'm going to swoon!"

Granny then looked at Mr. Drysdale, "Hey Drysdale, she remind you of anyone?"

Drysdale replied, "I have no idea what you are talking about, Granny." Miss Jane just snickered.

Mr. Howell quickly said, "My dear, I'll take you back to the hut."

Once alone with her husband, Mrs. Howell said, "Really Thurston…. It was so, well, dead."

Howell just smiled and said, "Lovey, it was worth it. We struck oil."

Soon Mrs. Howell was no longer thinking of the red boar's blood. Instead she was thinking of red rubies.

Mary Ann asked the younger Clampett, "Elly May, would you mind making some lunch while we skin the hog? Dinner will be late tonight. There's plenty of dried fish, coconuts, corn and squash."

Happy to have a task, Elly replied, "Yes'm".

Granny whispered to Mary Ann, "I've been trying to teach that child to cook for years—good luck with the meal."

Mary Ann laughingly replied, "Sort of like me with Ginger. Don't worry, there's no cooking involved. I've already made the squash, and the dried fish is good to go."

After the women were finished with the boar, the Skipper and Gilligan carefully tied it to a pole and brought it to the pit. They then wrapped the carcass in banana leaves and placed it on the red hot rocks in the pit and buried the pork. Afterwards, the two seamen joined the others for a lunch of dried fish, corn, and squash, with coconut milk to wash it down. The lunch turned out to be very tasty.

Jethro finished one whole sea bass and asked for another.

Granny lamented, "I swear that boy has a bottomless pit."

Miss Jane defended Jethro, "He is a growing young man."

Gilligan wasn't far behind Jethro in the amount of food he was eating.

The Skipper scolded, "Little Buddy, this is not an eating contest."

Gilligan answered with a full mouth, "Sorry Skipper. This is good, Ellie."

Ellie replied, "Thank you, Gilligan."

Jed agreed with Gilligan, "Elly, this has got to be the best meal you fixed."

Drysdale agreed, "The corn is fantastic."

Granny said, "Speaking of corn, would any of you have a condenser coil around here anywhere?"

Jed growled, "Granny, you're not fixing of making more recipe are you?"

The Professor offered, "Actually, Granny, I have a full distillery set up in my laboratory for making alcohol used in my experiments."

Mrs. Howell added, "And for making the little umbrella drinks Mr. Howell and I enjoy so much for cocktail hour."

Granny thoughtfully replied, "Hmmm…. Let me take a look at that still after lunch, Professor. I think I could bring a little extra something to the bar-b-cue."

The Professor answered, "Certainly, Granny. By the way, it's a luau."

Granny paused and responded with, "I am flattered, young man, but let's just be friends, after all I am old enough to be your… older sister."

After a chorus of chuckling from the group, causing the Professor to turn beet red, Miss Jane explained, "Granny, a luau is a Hawaiian bar-b-cue."

Granny looked at the Professor and said, "OK, but I'm keeping my eye on you."

After making some adjustments to the still, Granny did concede that rum probably would be a better choice than corn mash with the materials available. Granny's adjustments, though, boosted the proof of the end product from 80 to about 151. Which translates to going up from 40 to 75% alcohol.

While Granny was working on the still, Mary Ann was making fixin's to go with the pork. She had also enlisted the help of Miss Jane, Elly May, and with much convincing, Ginger. Mrs. Howell was busy with table setting and place cards. Jed, Jethro, the Skipper, The Professor and Gilligan were building two new huts. The process went much quicker than the construction of the original huts, as both the Castaways and Clampetts had experience building huts or shacks. One hut was for Jethro, Jed, and Mr. Drysdale, and the other was for Miss Jane, Elly May, and Granny. While the others were busy with their respective tasks, Mr. Drysdale was busy working on Mr. Howell.

Drysdale asked, "So, Thurston, may I call you Thurston? What will it take to move your accounts over to Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills?"

Howell replied, "I am rather fond of my money, and respect it too much to let it live in _California."_

After hours of hard work (on the part of most), it was time for happy hour. Mrs. Howell made the group piña coladas using granny's rum. Everybody was in high spirits by the time the boar was ready that night.

The pork turned out perfectly. The group dined on pineapple and ham as well as southern style pulled pork. Along with the meat there was corn, squash, bananas, completed with Mary Ann's famous coconut cream pie (which she hid from Gilligan and Jethro most of that evening). After dinner, Gilligan found some music on the radio. The party had started.

Neither Gilligan or Elly May were interested in romance, so they were obvious dance partners. Granny did become fond of the Professor, as a friend and colleague, who did see the value in some of the homeopathic cures she taught him that afternoon while working on the still. Seeing that Jethro had eyes toward Mary Ann, Ginger set her sights even higher and asked Jed to dance.

The Skipper and Mr. Howell became uncharacteristically buddy-buddy after a few drinks. The Skipper confided in Howell, "Look at Gilligan. I wish I could be that carefree. He's got that blonde eating out of his hands."

Howell asked, "Are you interested in Elly? She must be at least 25 years younger than you."

Skipper scoffed, "And you're no spring chicken yourself, Howell. No, to be honest, I think that Miss Hathaway is really something."

The millionaire responded, "Sorry, didn't mean to offend you, old man. Listen—you have a lot going for you. You're a leader, a war hero, and a well travelled man. I say go for it."

Drunkenly the Skipper replied, "I know we've had our differences, but, Howell…. You're alright."

Slurring his speech, Howell said, "You're a good man, Captain." He added, "Can I trust you with a secret?"

The Skipper answered, "Of Course."

The Millionaire put his fingers on his lips then said, "I struck oil."


	5. Hair of the Dog

The Skipper awoke to the smell of bacon cooking, something unusual for the island. His head was pounding from the amount of recipe he drank the night before. It was smooth going down, but it did have its after effects. The night was somewhat of a blur, but he remembered dancing a few dances with Jane Hathaway. He also remembered Miss Jane being a little bit too interested in the fact that Jethro was dancing with Mary Ann. The Skipper knew Mary Ann and figured she was just excited to see somebody around her age from the country. Unlike Ginger, Mary Ann wasn't interested in Clampett/Bodine money. And speaking of money, the Skipper remembered something Mr. Howell said about oil.

The Skipper decided to go for a walk, hoping to find Howell's oil strike. He used his sense of logic, and decided to go where he saw Clampett shoot at the boar from the shipwreck. The Skipper's instincts paid off. There was a puddle of blackish ooze near a palm tree in the jungle. The ooze appeared to be crude oil, but the Captain wasn't a geochemist. Fortunately he knew one that lived nearby. The Skipper found a cup left over from the party the night before and filled it with the slimy substance.

When the Skipper entered the Professor's hut, the academic was tinkering with the still.

The Skipper said, "If you're fixing up a little 'hair of the dog', I could probably use one too."

The Professor responded with, "Believe me, I had more than enough last night. The proof of Granny's recipe made me think it could be used as a fuel. One of the problems we had with getting off of the island is the currents. Remember when you and Gilligan tried to leave on a raft?"

The Skipper recalled, "Yes, we ended up on the other side of the island…"

The Professor continued, "Exactly. What I was thinking was to fashion a raft from the lumber off of the Clampett's wreckage and power it with the engine from their boat. I was thinking of using Granny's recipe as a fuel source. The problem is that it burns to fast. It would take hundreds of gallons of it just to get to the shipping lanes. We'd get there quickly, but I don't think we have anything big enough to hold the amount of alcohol we would need to get that far. If only I had another fuel source to mix it with."

The Skipper thought a moment and produced the cup, offering, "I think this may help."

The Professor resisted saying, "Skipper, I told you the last thing I need is another drink."

The Skipper insisted, "It's not for drinking! Look inside!"

The Professor examined the contents of the hollowed out coconut shell, and exclaimed, "This is crude!"

Just then Granny appeared saying, "Now, Skipper, you weren't telling the Professor off color sea stories, now were you?"

The Skipper started to deny it saying, "No, ma'am…"

The Professor cut the him off admitting, "You caught us Granny. We were just having a little boy talk."

Granny said, "Well, I just came by to tell you boys breakfast is ready."

The Skipper said, "Thanks Granny. It smells great, I'm sure it will make my headache go away."

Granny then offered the Skipper a piece of bark, ordering, "Chew on this."

The Skipper said, "Bark?" Then much to his surprise, the Professor also took a piece.

Granny explained, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. It will help with your headache."

The Professor agreed, "Several species of tree bark hold analgesic properties."

Granny added, "And they help headaches go away." Looking at the Professor, she added, "I will see you at breakfast."

After Granny left, the Skipper taunted, "I think she has her eyes on you, Professor."

The Academic denied the Skipper's conjecture with, "Please, she's older than the aunt who raised me. Besides, I noticed you were chasing after Drysdale's assistant."

The Skipper deflected with, "She seemed a bit more interested in somebody else." The Skipper then defensively added, "By the way, what was with making me look like a louse who tells dirty stories?"

The Professor answered the question with a question, "Captain, I imagine a person of your naval rank studied law?"

The Skipper haughtily retorted, "Of course, admiralty law, military law, international law…."

The Professor brought his point home, "Then you know, whomever is actually residing on this island when the rescue parties arrive stands a much better legal claim to the oil underneath us."


	6. As The Gumbo Thickens

After breakfast, Gilligan went fishing as usual. Elly May decided to tag along. That started tongues a wagging a soon as the two were out of ear shot.

Mary Ann quietly said to Ginger, "Who does she think she is?"

Ginger smirked and retorted, "Jealous much?"

Mary Ann hurriedly replied, "It's not that, Gilligan and I are just friends…"

To which, Ginger muttered, "Uh, huh."

Granny cooed, "Look Jed, I think Elly's takin' a shine to the skinny boy."

Drysdale piped up, "Sailor boy better not be after the Clampett fortune!"

Miss Jane admonished her boss with a crisp, "Chief!"

Skipper defended Gilligan with, "Now see hear Drysdale. Gilligan may be a little clumsy, but his intentions are always honorable." After all, the Skipper was the only one allowed to pick on Gilligan.

Being the peacemaker, Jed Clampett declared, "Granny, let the young folks be. Mr. Drysdale, I'm sure the boy just wanted some company. Elly May is great at fishin' and I'm sure we will all appreciate the fact she grabbed a pole come lunch time."

Out at the beach Elly May broke the ice with, "I sure like fishin', whether in the creek or in the ocean."

Gilligan replied, "Yeah, me too. I did some fishing as a kid, but started doing a lot more when I was in the Navy. And, of course, living in Hawaii and working on a fishing charter boat—I did a LOT of fishing."

Elly said, "Oh, you were in the Navy? A Navy boy was courting me. He was a frog man. Granny thought he was part critter." Elly then laughed.

Gilligan nervously responded, "Frog man, huh. I've seen those guys train, they're something else." The young sailor associated frogmen with 'death from below,' knowing that they were the forerunners of the newly formed SEAL teams. He added, "I'm sure he's a great guy."

Intuitively, Elly added, "Yeah, he's nice. Granny is always trying to get me hitched. She's afraid I'm going to turn into an old maid. She might even try to get us together, even though we are just fishin' buddies."

Relieved, Gilligan said, "Yeah, fishin' buddies. And you're not old." To which, Elly rewarded him with a gorgeous smile.

When Gilligan and Elly returned with lines of fish—Jethro's eyes started bulging.

Granny told Mary Ann, "Even though that's quite a string of fish those two are bringin' in, the way Jethro is looking at 'em… we should make a fish stew so the rest of us can eat."

Mary Ann laughingly said, "Yes'm."

Granny, ever being the matchmaker, added, "You know, he is a good boy, even though he eats a lot…."

Sensing what was going on, Mary Ann replied, "I'm sure he is. He kind of reminds me of my beau in Kansas. That boy can eat!" Granny got the message and smiled.

Overhearing the conversation, Ginger made a point to sit next to Jethro at lunch. The starlet purred, "So, Jethro, when are you making your next movie?" Jethro didn't even look up from his food, making a non-committal grunt. Mary Ann just rolled her eyes.

After the meal, Mr. Howell met with the Skipper and Professor in private.

The Millionaire addressed the Academic, "So, the Skipper told you about my little discovery with his big mouth. He also mentioned a legal opinion you had."

Skipper growled, "Watch it Howell."

Howell baited the Captain, "What is it you military types say? Loose lips sinking ships and all?" The Skipper just glared at the Millionaire.

The Professor lectured, unfazed, "What you discovered was undoubtedly crude oil. Judging by the way it is bubbling from the ground, it is probably a pretty good sized strike. As long as nobody else has claim to the mineral rights on this island, the oil will belong to whomever 'discovers' it...i.e. whoever is on the island when the rescue boats arrive. By the way, how did you discover the oil?"

Mr. Howell deceptively answered, "Gun went off. Two problems with your plan though: one, I don't see any rescue boats; and two, I'm really that keen on splitting the profits 13 ways—especially with a banker and an oil magnate. Besides, 13 partners is bad luck…"

The Professor uncomfortably continued, "I did come up with something that could solve both problems. I was working on a method of using Granny's recipe to power the engines on the Clampett's boat. As you know, trying to get off the island on an unpowered raft didn't work because of the strong currents. Well, a strong diesel engine on a sturdy raft should work. The problem was the alcohol was just burning too hot. It would blow the engine. However, I could synthesize a safe fuel mixture that would work using your oil and granny's recipe."

The Skipper added, "And I could make a raft that could safely go all the way to Hawaii using the wood from the wreck and trees on the island."

Howell was beginning to like the idea, contributing, "Then the rest of you will go get help while Lovey and I wait here. Excellent!"

The Skipper disagreed with, "Not so fast, Howell. I know you discovered the oil, but you wouldn't be able to do anything with it without the Professor and me. And it wouldn't be fair to leave out Gilligan and the girls, they are almost family."

The Professor agreed, "The seven of us should stay behind, while the Clampett party should go get help. I like the Clampett's, but they are essentially just visiting. Mr. Howell, I do recognize that it is your discovery—but could you really live with yourself if you wind up alienating those of us who have been at your side all of these years?"

Mr. Howell allowed, "Well you got me over a barrelhead, an oil barrelhead so to speak. I need your assistance, and I will agree to your terms. One question, how do you plan on getting the Clampetts to leave the island and keep us here without drawing suspicion?

The Professor answered, "I'm not very proud of it, but I came up with a plan based on my knowledge of human behavior. It will require a little acting on your part, Mr. Howell."


	7. 13 Castaways and a Raft

Over dinner, the Professor and the Skipper went over the plan to build a boat to take a group to civilization. They carefully left out any reference to oil, or who they wanted to stay on the island to lay claim to the black gold.

The Professor explained, "Between the two engines on the Clampett wreck, I can make one working motor. The fact they are diesels makes the fuel situation even easier. I have been able to fashion a suitable fuel source from granny's recipe."

Granny interjected, "Then I best start a cookin…"

The Skipper continued the Professor's thread, "The hull of the wreck is a total loss, but the wheelhouse and cabin are in good shape. From the wood of the hull and bamboo poles, we can construct a stable deck to house the upper decks of the wreck and the Professor's hybrid Detroit Diesel. I suggest people turn in early tonight, we've got a lot of work ahead of us tomorrow."

Jed chuckled, "Captain, this is way past our normal bedtime anyway. The hoot'n nanny'n of the past two nights darn near tuckered me out."

Granny and Mary Ann were up before dawn. The younger woman was making breakfast, the elder—well something with a little more kick. It wasn't long before Jed, Elly May, Jethro, the Professor, Gilligan, and the Skipper were up. The Professor, Jed, Elly, and the Skipper to work, Jethro and Gilligan to eat.

Jed spoke, "Skipper, Jethro and I can start hauling the logs over that you and Gilligan fall. Elly May might appear to be a frail belle, but she knows her way around a hammer and can take apart that cabin and wheelhouse to be put on the raft."

The Skipper agreed, "Thanks, Mr. Clampett that will be a huge help." The Captain felt a twinge of guilt in not telling Clampett about the oil. The man was a lot more help in the past week than Howell had been in the past five years.

The Professor chimed in, "I'll let you gents know when it's time to move the engine to the raft." He also felt guilty that he couldn't tell Granny that he didn't need near the amount of recipe she was making thanks to the oil.

Soon the Howells, Mr. Drysdale, Miss Jane, and Ginger were awake. Not surprising to anybody, the Howells and Mr. Drysdale supervised while Ginger did some light labor. The big surprise was Miss Jane, who got herself fairly greasy by helping the Professor out in the engine room, which raised a couple of eyebrows... Aside from keeping everybody well fed, Mary Ann was in charge of stocking the new vessel.

"Jethro," Mary Ann ordered, "Clean out the scuttlebutt of the wreck and fill it with fresh water."

Jethro looked shocked, "You want me to do what? I just took a bath last week!"

Mary Ann looked exasperated, "The scuttlebutt is the fresh water tank…. It was contaminated with sea water. Clean it out, fill it with water, and put it on the raft."

Jethro replied, "Yes'm." But the scuttlebutt on the boat was hard to get to, and had a hole to patch. Jethro remembered there were two barrels already full behind the Professor's hut. So he put those in the water storage area of the raft.

The Professor was having troubles of his own. It was going to be hard to sneak the oil into the fuel system without anybody noticing. Especially with the banker's secretary hovering over him. She was a big help, though, in taking off parts and cleaning them. He finished the engine in half the time he thought he would. He called the Skipper, Gilligan, Jed, and Jethro over to help move the engine to the raft. Surprisingly, Elly also grabbed an end of the huge diesel. The Skipper almost threw out his back trying to show off his strength to Miss Jane. Somehow they lugged the 230 HP Detroit Diesel over to the makeshift dolly the Professor came up with to transport it to the raft. From there, a handmade winch put engine in place on the raft. The hardest part for the Professor, though, was to occur shortly. The man whose life quest was to seek truth was about to deceive ten people.

The Professor looked at the nearly completed craft and spoke, "You all did a fine job, but unfortunately, we all can't take the voyage on our little ship here."

The Skipper said his part, "What are you talking about, Professor? We all worked hard on this boat." Looking at Howell and Drysdale, the Captain added, "At least most of us did."

The Professor explained, "Due to the size of the boat, I would say no more than six can go." Actually that was true. The designs he and the Skipper came up with made sure of that.

Howell was ready for his part, "Well then that would be simple. Me, Lovey, and the Clampetts have the most money, therefore have the most to give society, and should go on the boat." Which caused the uproar the Professor predicted.

Drysdale bellowed, "Now just a minute, Howell! What are you trying to pull?"

Mary Ann scolded, "Really, Mr. Howell, you've done some low things, but this takes the cake!"

Playing along, the Skipper exclaimed, "I'm the Captain, I should pilot the raft!"

Even Jed chimed in with, "Say, I'm not sure this is very fair…."

Then the Professor soothed the group by saying, "I have a plan. We already seem to be in two groups, the original castaways and the six new visitors. Why don't we solve this by a simple toss of the coin?"

Drysdale scoffed, "And I suppose you would toss it to ensure this raft will be the Minnow II?"

Miss Jane jumped to the Professors defense, by saying, "Chief, the Professor is an honorable man with multiple university degrees, I'm sure he would never trick us!"

Even though Hathaway's statement almost derailed him, the Professor stuck to the plan by assuring the group, "The raft can only take six. If the Minnow group wins the coin toss I will stay behind with the Clampetts. Either way I stay."

Granny allowed, "Well, OK, seems fair to me."

The Professor asked, "Mr. Clampett, heads or tails?"

Clampett said, "Heads"

The 50 cent piece flew in the air and landed on the back of the Professor's hand. When uncovered, it showed Benjamin Franklin's bust. Thanks to the Professor's childhood training in magic, the Clampetts would be taking the sea voyage.

Trying to act a little disappointed, the Skipper said, "Well Clampett, looks like you are taking a cruise. What are you going to name your boat?"

Granny was the first to speak up, "Let's call her the _Tennessee_!"

The Skipper actually did get a little misty, agreeing, "The _Tennessee _is a fine name for such a ship." Of course, the Captain was thinking of the battleship who was brought back to life following the attack on Pearl Harbor—not the Confederate Ironclad Granny had in mind.


	8. The Tennessee Sets Sail

The Professor quietly went over to the Skipper's hut at around three the following morning. It was challenging to wake the Captain without waking Gilligan, but the Ph.D. managed to do it. It took both the Professor and the Skipper to get Howell out of bed. Even though they didn't need to worry as much if Mrs. Howell woke up, as she already knew about the oil, Howell protested getting up in the middle of the night.

"I can't see why we have to get up in the middle of the night," Howell whispered.

The Professor answered, "We have to get the oil from my hut to the raft without attracting attention."

Howell asked, "Why can't the others help?"

The Skipper answered, "You know why we didn't tell them. Mary Ann is too honest, Gilligan can't keep a secret, and Ginger, well Ginger is Ginger. Of course we could just let the Clampetts know about the oil…"

Howell said, "All right, all right, I'll help."

When returning to the supply hut, the Professor asked Mr. Howell and the Skipper, "Say, did either of you two see the two barrels of Granny's Recipe I left here?"

Howell answered, "I think that boy Jethro took them to the raft."

The Professor said, "Good, then all we need to do is sneak the oil on board, and hook it up to the fuel lines. The Clampetts will think that their boat is running on recipe."

Later that morning, The Professor, Skipper, and Mr. Howell were unusually groggy during breakfast.

Mary Ann chirped, "Come on you sleepyheads! This is the Clampetts' bon voyage breakfast."

The Professor said, "Sorry Mary Ann." He then drew his attention to Jed, "Mr. Clampett, here are directions to the shipping lanes and coordinates of the island for any rescue party."

Jed replied, "I thank you all kindly for the heapin' helpin' of your hospitality. We'll make sure y'all are rescued right away!"

After breakfast, the Clampetts, along with Mr. Drysdale and Miss Jane, loaded the rest of their belongings and provisions on the _Tennessee _and set sail from the lagoon. They weren't at sea long before some odd occurrences started happenin'

Granny shouted, "Let's run that Yankee blockade!" At the same time she pushed the throttle to full.

Jethro and Elly May were arguing over directions, causing the map to tear into two and blow away. Miss Jane was just sitting on the deck watching Jethro, while Mr. Drysdale was mentally figuring out the interest on a combined Howell/Clampett account. Jed was having trouble keeping a straight course, and knew something was wrong, and had an idea what it was.

"BOY!" Jed shouted

Jethro answered, "Uncle Jed! It was Elly's fault we lost the map!"

Elly argued, "No it wasn't, it was Jethro's fault."

Jed calmly said, "Never mind that now. Jethro, show me the water tanks you brought up."

Taking a good taste of the water, Jed proclaimed, "This is recipe….. this is supposed to be in the fuel tank. Good thing we have it though… with Granny's 'blockade running', and me going in circles we are low on gas." He then ordered his two charges, "You two, dump these barrels straight into the gas tank."

All Jethro and Elly would dare to say is, "Yes, sir."

* * *

><p>Hundreds of fathoms below the <em>Virginia, <em>the Gold Crew of the U.S. ballistic missile submarine SSBN 634 was en route from Apra Harbor Guam to Pearl Harbor. The crew's long time commander, Captain Nick Holden was leaving the boat to take command of Submarine Squadron 7, after being recommended to the post by his mentor and former COMSUBRON 7 Admiral Matt Sherman.

The submarine sonar tech shouted out Master Chief Earnest Hunkle, "COB, I've got a contact almost straight overhead. Sounds like a single diesel engine running fast, and doing a zigzag."

Chief of the Boat Hunkle looked at his Captain and said, "A zigzag? Sir we haven't seen that since we were on patrols together on the Sea Tiger." Referring to when he and the senior officer served together during World War II.

Holden replied, "Well, I highly doubt it's a Japanese PT boat." The Captain then ordered, "Get us a safe distance from the craft and take us to periscope depth."

Hunkle replied, "Aye-Aye, sir."

When the sub trimmed off at periscope depth, Holden took a look. At first he thought he was having a flashback to an incident off of Cebu that occurred over a quarter of a century ago. He saw a beautiful young blonde cavorting around on some makeshift raft.

"Hunkle," Holden ordered, "look through the periscope, and tell me if you see what I see, or if my malaria is acting up."

Hunkle took a peek and said, "Well sir, if you see a clan of what looks like a family that escaped from Huck Finn, you don't need to head to sick bay just yet."

Holden then said, "Comm, notify SUBCOMPAC, have them get a chopper out here to rescue those folks."

Hunkle interjected, "Sir, the raft's engine just caught fire."

Holden then ordered, "Belay that last order, there are no ships around for miles. Law of the sea takes precedent here. Surface a safe distance from the raft and prepare a rescue party."

Hunkle replied, "Aye, Captain. Does this mean we are bringing women aboard?"

Holden answered, "Yes, Chief, it does. Superstition be damned."

Hunkle's next comment could only come from a master chief weeks from retirement who had served with his captain for decades, "Skipper, should I prepare the crew to paint the boat pink?"

Holden had the best laugh he's had in years.

* * *

><p>Jed didn't know his raft was running on a synthesized diesel substitute instead of Granny's recipe as had been led to believe. Once the 150 proof alcohol hit the engine, it immediately caught fire. Soon there was mass panic aboard. Drysdale was thinking of how rich his wife would be due to inheritance and life insurances not only on himself but the Clampetts (which he cleverly had taken out policies on the accounts naming him beneficiary). Miss Jane was thinking she didn't want to go out as an old maid with Jethro Bodine so near. Jethro, Ellie, and Jed started fighting the fire. Then Jed remembered the Skipper showing him how to dump the engine in an emergency. This most certainly qualified as one.<p>

Just as the engine was going down, the submarine was surfacing.

"AAAH, Sea Monster," Granny cried

Relieved, Miss Jane explained, "No, Granny, it's a submarine, here to rescue us."

Granny looked thoughtful, and said, "Oh, like the CSS Hunley. May those boys rest in peace."

Jed agreed, "Yes, Granny, like the Hunley."

The Clampetts and bank employees were taken by inflatable raft to the large submarine. When they climbed on deck they were met by several officers, including the Captain.

Nick Holden greeted the group from the _Tennessee_, "I'm Captain Holden. Welcome aboard the ballistic missile submarine _Stonewall Jackson."_

Granny whispered to her son-in-law, "Did you hear that Jed? With a name like _Stonewall Jackson_, this must be one of them Confederate blockade runin' submarine boats."


	9. Epilogue or Jambalaya

After the Clampett party left, the Skipper took it upon himself to explain the oil discovery to Mary Ann, Ginger, and Gilligan.

Mary Ann looked shocked, "I can't believe you of all people were in on such a deception, Skipper! Mr. Howell I expect, but you and the Professor?"

Gilligan chimed in, "And why didn't you trust us enough to tell us?

Ginger added, "Where is the Professor, anyway, was he afraid to show his face?"

The Skipper replied, "No, girls, he had to do some geologic reading for the oil find. You're right, it wasn't a very nice thing we did. We didn't tell you because we didn't want you to feel the guilt we did, but we did want to share the oil profits with you, right Mr. Howell?"

Mr. Howell grumbled, "Yeah right, sharing."

Mary Ann scoffed, "Honesty is always the best policy."

Ginger rationalized, "But oil profits are a nice addition."

Gilligan chimed in with, "It is funny that Mr. Howell found his oil right were Mr. Clampett made the tree bleed."

Skipper asked, "What's that, Little Buddy?"

Howell quickly said, "Tree's bleeding. That boy has an imagination."

Mary Ann encouraged, "Go on Gilligan."

Gilligan explained, "When Mr. Clampett shot at Mr. Boar the first day and missed, he hit the tree instead. When I was going through the jungle a few minutes later, I noticed the tree was bleeding."

The Skipper jumped on Howell, "You led us to believe YOU discovered the oil. All along you knew it was Clampett's claim!"

Howell meekly replied, "Finder's keepers?"

Mary Ann insisted, "We'll share the find 13 ways…. Everybody here should have a part of the oil profits."

Walking into camp the Professor advised, "I wouldn't do that."

The Skipper asked, surprised, "And why not?"

The Professor ominously announced, "Because the island is sinking."

Mrs. Howell asked Gilligan, "My dear boy, have you been playing with the Professor's pole again?"

Gilligan answered, "No it wasn't me this time."

The Professor continued, embarrassed about his erroneous forecast of the island sinking a couple of years ago, "No, this time I used several means of measurement. I was testing a hypothesis back from my graduate school days at USC and UCLA that I was reminded of once we started pumping some oil from the ground to turn into fuel for the _Tennessee_…"

Ginger cut the Professor off with, "Pumping the oil out will cause the island to sink."

Surprised, the Professor said, "She's exactly right."

Looking at everybody else's surprised looks Ginger explained, "Don't expect a movie reference here. I've lived in Southern California for most my adult life. Long Beach has been sinking for years."

The Professor suggested, "We should cap the oil well and never tell anybody about this, even after being rescued."

"Never?" Asked Mr. Howell.

The Professor explained, "If an oil company comes in here and starts drilling, you can say good bye to this island."

Mrs. Howell added, "Thurston, this place has been our home."

Mr. Howell reluctantly agreed, "Never."

Gilligan exclaimed, "They're talking about the Clampetts on the radio!"

As the castaways gathered around the small transistor radio, the familiar announcer went on:

_Once again-Millionaire Jed Clampett, his daughter Elly May, nephew Jethro Bodine, mother-in-law Daisy Moses, banker Milburn Drysdale, and his assistant Jane Hathaway have all been rescued. In a prepared statement the Navy said the group was taken from a homemade boat of sorts and brought to the Naval Hospital in Pearl Harbor by classified means. The entire group was suffering from dehydration and intoxication as alcohol had contaminated their water supply. Several members of the group made claims to meeting the survivors of the SS Minnow shipwreck from five years ago, but had lost a supposed map showing the location of the passengers and crew from that ill-fated three hour tour five years ago._

Ginger cried, "Oh, no, they lost the map!"

The Skipper smiled, and said, "All hope isn't lost."

Mrs. Howell asked, "Why is that, Captain?"

The Skipper explained, "I thought something like this could happen, so I also put our location in the log book on the raft."

All of the sudden both Gilligan and Mary Ann looked uncomfortable. Finally Mary Ann said, "I think I have something to show you." The young beauty returned with a piece of paper torn from the journal.

The Skipper said, "Mary Ann! It's the log page! Where did you get this?"

Mary Ann replied, "Please, Skipper, don't be mad at him. Gilligan really liked the fish stew. He gave me this paper with Granny's recipe for fillet gumbo. I didn't even realize what it was until you mentioned writing the coordinates in the log book. Either Gilligan or Granny must have just seen it as an available piece of paper."

The Skipper was turning red, and turned to his little buddy, growling, "Well, Gilligan—what have you got to say for yourself?"

Gilligan looked thoughtful for a minute, and before running off, said, "Goodbye Joe, me gotta go, me oh my oh."

Realizing there was plenty of blame to go around, and rather than chasing him, the other six castaways looked at each other laughingly singing, "Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou."


End file.
